I bought a new fridge on the weekend. Mostly because we needed more space, but also because I love the idea of a dedicated spare fridge in the garage for drinks. This will also come in handy when my husband brings home “Surprise Meat”.

There are two types of Surprise Meat. The first is that of meat trays won at the Friday Night Raffles, offered up like a peasant seeking indulgences from the Pope, in atonement for spending too long at the RSL after work.The second kind is  enormous bulk bags of dog bones that were on sale when he went to the butcher’s for something to throw on the BBQ.  Both kinds of Surprise Meat would be great value for money, except we have to call the kids in to eat a litre of icecream and 2 bags of grated cheese to fit it all in. Not anymore. “Straight to the garage!” I will bellow, thus taking care of both purchases and purchaser for some time.

Another delight of my new purchase has been the owner’s manual. Now I know what you’re thinking – “It’s a fridge! Plug it in. Turn it on.” But this new-fangled appliance has a special cooling area for meat, as well as some digital display bits and a water dispenser, so I wanted to make sure I was “doing it right”. No RTFM errors for this little black duck.

Of course I forgot to take a refresher course in manualese and techish. This manual seems to have taken a particularly convoluted course through one of the dodgier online translators.

Highlights include:

• When the door is opened, the warmer air can’t influence in the fresh zone. So you can store food more fresh in it.
• Inserted convertible room must be placed at its position. If door is opened, it can’t fill the role of it.
• …and oxidize under sunlight to decomposing malodor by ultraviolet.

Most puzzling were the instructions included with the water dispenser. Do not use anything other than water including. That’s it. Including what? Now I’m wondering what thing I could have possibly thought of that doesn’t fall under the “anything other than water” stipulation.Although I may have briefly considered how awesome it would be to have a chilled gin and tonic dispenser within reach at all times.

But my favourite part of the brochure is the warning box clarifying how to dispose of a fridge safely, so that children can’t become locked inside. Very important information, and the eye is drawn to it because the heading reads VERY DANGEROUS ATTRACTION! I want that on a t-shirt.